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    All clogged up

  • Alex Neihaus 11:15 am on July 1, 2009 | 2 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: writer's block

    allcloggedup

    This is going to be a short and badly written blog post. It’s devoid of content. It has no theme. It really won’t make that much sense.

    I’m trying to expunge a serious case of writer’s block by — what else — writing about it. And I’ve been cursed at the worst possible moment.

    I need to write several press releases and can’t. I need to edit collateral. I can’t. I want to update several web pages. I’d better not. I composed a PowerPoint for an analyst this morning. It stinks.

    A colleague I was talking with said I needed a “rest.” I’m not sure if she means I’m over the hill or tired. No matter. I’m not fit to write about it.

    But at least I know what caused this blockage (if not how long it’ll last). I was searching for images today and came across the most revolting blog post of all time. If this doesn’t “stop you up” then nothing will.

     
    • Dave Orecchio 2:13 pm on July 1, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Alex,

      That revolting post really takes the cake! It is almost as bad as the picture above.

      Good luck with the writing block.

    • scubagarth 11:20 pm on July 1, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Um, er, ah, yukky. Sniffing sh*t to solve a sh*tty problem… now that’s desparate. Hope you don’t have to resort to that to cure your writer’s block!

  • Email marketing results measured in basis points, and it’s all our fault

  • Alex Neihaus 11:02 am on June 26, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: email, ,

    no_stupid_people

    This is post is for all my colleagues in the marketing biz. I want to tell you that we collectively destroyed email.

    What did we do that was truly stupid?

    Simple: we have so overdone email that now it’s useless for all of us. Have you noticed that no matter what you do — text or HTML, links at the top or bottom, a great discount offer or the promise of everlasting life — your response rates have gone down? Have you noticed that no matter what “marketing automation” system you track email with that since 2005 your response rates have declined from whole percentage points to basis points today? (A basis point is 1/100th of a percentage point. They’re used to track minute changes in bond rates.)

    Marketing programs that decline this precipitously this quickly do so only because we have completely overwhelmed consumers and they can’t take it any more. They’re the ultimate marketing failure: one hand clapping in an empty auditorium.

    We don’t seem to remember how resistant we all were at first. We didn’t believe you could sell lumps of coal via email blasts. “Our audience doesn’t have email…and won’t ever get email.” Remember that? But, of course, that 55-year-old CFO and that aircraft mechanic and that Mom at home with stinky diapers all got email. So, what did we do?

    First, those of us in big companies spent too much on email (because you can’t help yourself and you were afraid of missing the boat), driving CPMs out of reach. Next, we “institutionalized” email…added people whose only job is to generate email blasts. We linked it to our CRM systems…we became “email experts.”

    Because we’d spent real money on people and systems, we needed to measure what we were doing. So, of course, we needed “infrastructure” like Eloqua, Vertical Response and Constant Contact to manage it all. And the (physical) direct mail industry needed a place to go because we had previously crapped up direct mail, so guess where they went…with all their “direct marketing science” and purportedly effective techniques.

    Having built a hugely expensive house of cards around email, we forgot one thing: anyone can send email because the Internet made it essentially free. While we were adding cost to email and being profligate to boot, the spammers discovered that basis points of response can impact US dollar flows into Nigeria. We encouraged the spammers, actually gave them the idea, while they laughed at us for “systematizing” it and making it a “core marketing practice.” Any fool can write a good email and find 10K people to send it to. Between us and the spammers, there’s not an iota of tolerance left in anyone for more email pitches.

    Worse, the customer service people decided email — along with out-sourcing call centers to India — would be the ideal way to reduce costs (and, incidentally, ensure that artificial measurements of responsiveness replace actually talking to customers).

    Now, we have all the people, tools and expense…and it’s all worthless. Pay-per-click and search-engine-optimization are now nearly ruined as marketing programs as well. (Is anyone paying less per conversion?) And that same weak, lemming-herding instinct is all over social media (which already has enough corporate Twitter feeds to tempt a new generation of spammers).

    Creativity still counts. Someone will think of something clever soon…and then have to stand back and watch the masses of marketing experts foul it up as well.

     
  • Get a Grip on Miracle Wipe

  • Alex Neihaus 8:01 pm on June 16, 2009 | 2 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: toilet paper

    Do you crunch? Or fold?

    After over three years of blogging, I am officially nonplussed.

     
    • limeduck 9:34 am on June 18, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Once you’ve crapped in Japan, it’s hard to go back to paper. Toto washlets are available in the USA now: http://www.cleanishappy.com

    • Alex Neihaus 9:58 am on June 18, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      I know it’s a complete overshare. But last year when we redid the bathrooms, we got one of these high-tech Japanese “washlets.” Hot water AND a remote control. Laugh all you like, it’s amazing. And I don’t have to buy Comfort Wipe.

  • Gymkhana, or I ain’t your target market

  • Alex Neihaus 7:59 pm on June 6, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , gymkhana, ken block

    OK, I don’t know what DC Shoes are…and whoever these people are, they certainly didn’t create this video to try to get me to buy their stuff. I am just not their target market.

    But I gotta say, this video has four minutes of the most spectacular drifting I have ever seen. “Oooo!,” you’ll say when you see Ken Block smash the fluorescent lights. “Whoa!,” you’ll shout when he slams the driver’s rear wheel into the water balloon in the hand of a dummy (which is seated comfortably in a folding chair). And you’ll be outta your seat when your see Block slam out of a doorway and drift clockwise to within inches of the edge of a dock.

    (But what’s up with the paint-ball stuff? Does the shooter celebrate because he hit the car or because he just lives to shoot again?)

    This might not rise to the level of an Internet meme, but it’s pretty close.

    (Oh, and you can skip the last few minutes…unless, of course, you wanna see the clothes.)

     
  • Puttin’ it all together on the ‘Net

  • Alex Neihaus 4:27 pm on May 6, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: community, solidsmack, vuuch

    putting-it-all-together

    My good friend Chris Williams, CEO of Vuuch, emailed me the other day and said that I really had to talk with Josh Mings of solidsmack.com. I just got off the phone with Josh, and I can say is, “Thanks, Chris, for connecting us up.”

    See, Chris is a “true believer” in community — when he ran Seemage, we went to the community with a better idea about product documentation. And even though Seemage was a small little company with a big idea, the fact that we used community to start a discussion about those ideas simply blew competitors away. Right Hemisphere is still trying to figure out what happened to them, long after Seemage went onto greater glory in DS’s 3DVIA world. It was a complete demonstration of the power of community to give a good idea its due in the marketplace.

    So, when Chris said Josh was doing some cool things on his blog, I took notice.

    Lately, I’ve been worrying that the same thing is going to happen with the idea of community that happened with email, search and PPC: as less talented corporate marketing types get their hands on it, they’ll muck it up for the rest of us. If you think this hasn’t happened, take a look at your junk mail folder. It’s full of webinar invites three weeks in advance (because those idiots can’t get an email closer to the actual event) and Twitter feeds that read like data sheets.

    But then, after a short conversation with Josh (who’s got a cold and still made time to talk with me), my confidence was restored. There will always be room for truly authentic voices and communities to coalesce around those voices. The ‘Net is big — and getting bigger — but great blogs like SolidSmack will still rise to the top of the heap.

    That’s why I am so pumped that my buddy Chris and Josh have connected in the real world. Josh has reviewed Vuuch. Chris is talking with Josh to learn more about how to present another new idea to a new community…and these two guys really know how to put it together in a way that works for people…no crap…no slickness…just the real, authentic thing, amplified by the Internet’s ability to make time and distance disappear.

     
  • The two best choices for the worst company in America

  • Alex Neihaus 4:01 pm on April 26, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: citibank, , consumerist, tickermaster

    ticketmaster_no_full

     

    I just love The Consumerist blog. It’s snarky, fun and to-the-point. But it worried me no end when Consumer Reports bought it. You know, the people who have the temerity to “accept no advertising” but who continue to sell useless “car price information.” These are the people who hawk their magazine shamelessly while being among the very few magazines or newspapers left in the world that do not publish their editorial contacts’ email addresses. CR is happy to tell you what to do. Just don’t bother trying to contact them or, perish the thought, criticize them in any way. (Just ask Bose about that.)

    So, when they bought a blog that actually understood the concept of community, I was scared that we’d start seeing the monthly preaching and supercilious editorial content (right next to ads for CR’s overpriced “gift annuity”) that I’ve loved-hated  in the magazine since I was 12. After all, their blogs on consumerreports.org mirror perfectly the printed book’s preachy, holier-than-thou tone. If this was their idea of gettin’ jiggy with the ‘Net, I wasn’t buying it. I thought The Consumerist  would instantly become The Bloviatist.

    But I was wrong.

    Proof? You say you want proof? Just follow this link. The Consumerist is holding a public vote for the worst company in America. And the two contestants are Citibank and Ticketmaster.  No question for me there. Ticketmaster is the extortionist of the entertainment industry. Their business practices should be legal only in Tehran.

    It’s not like it wasn’t close. Tomorrow — April 27, 2009 — is “Alex’s Freedom from Citibank Day.” It’s the day my last CD matures with these…uh…”bankers.” It’s the day that, if my 15 written and phoned requests, blood and DNA samples do the trick, Citibank will cut me a check for my money and mail it to me because that’s the only way they can get it to me. That, despite the fact they were able to transfer the money into the account to buy the CD. It’s the Bank of Kafka — your money goes in…government money goes in…and Gregor Samsa comes out.

    But, given that Tickermaster charges a “convenience fee” for what can only be convenient for their bottom line, it’s nolo contendere for my vote. As I wrote this, it was Ticketmaster taking the “prize” 70% to 30%. Go vote…for Ticketmaster. Then, tomorrow, call Citibank and close your accounts there (if you can).

    Good on, ya, Consumerist. I hope CR continues to let you live.

     
  • All right, so it’s been over a month …

  • Alex Neihaus 9:09 pm on April 18, 2009 | 4 Permalink | Reply

    dietdrpepper

    All right, so it’s been over a month since I last posted.

    I’ve been busy at work and, well, I must say nothing has pissed me off enough to blog.

    Still, I care about having a personal blog and keeping it active. The question then becomes: what to say when you are (temporarily) speechless. Writing blog posts takes practice. If you stop for too long, you lose it. I don’t wanna lose it. This blog is a useful way to keep the digital pencil sharp.

    Then it struck me: write the kind of post people who really don’t have anything to say write as their best efforts. Just some blog drivel. The internal dialog began:

    “Ah, ha! So nothing you’ve ever written on your blog has been dull, witless or banal, eh?”

    “I didn’t mean that…how arrogant do you think I am? I just meant that it would be OK for once to write about something nobody could possibly give a shit about just to keep the blog alive and keep the blogging juices flowing.”

    “Sure…what you really mean is what you label ‘ordinary’ is what you secretly hope readers of the blog will find humorous, or at least interesting. It’s a head-fake, ain’t it?

    “Well, there was once this sitcom that was ostensibly about nothing in particular…”

    “And you want to write the blog post equivalent, eh? All under the guise of ‘nothing to say’.”

    “You betcha. Wait until all those comments come flowing in…you’ll see.”

    So after all that…this blog post is about the fact that I’ve resumed drinking soda after swearing off it since January, 2007. I had a can of the elixir of modern life: Diet Dr. Pepper with my birthday cake yesterday.

    Aren’t you thrilled for me? Stay tuned for the blog post wherein I describe what it’s like to drive a BMW M3.

     
    • limeduck 8:46 am on April 20, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Sorry to hear you’re low on bile, are you mellowing out in your old age? I, for one, am happy to see you back on the blog, but then any reader of limeduck can tell you I’ve never had much of a problem with phoning in a blog post now and again to keep things looking lively. A quick photo or random link usually fills the bill nicely. Welcome back to fizzy drinks, too.

      • Alex Neihaus 8:48 am on April 20, 2009 Permalink | Reply

        Thank you…I am really lovin’ the fizz. Me low on bile? I thought you were the green duck ’round here.

    • Frank Days 8:17 am on April 23, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Random viral marketing videos can be great ways to keep hope alive. If not, you can always resort the fart jokes. They always kill.

      • Alex Neihaus 8:21 am on April 23, 2009 Permalink | Reply

        Good idea. Human necessity and blue language always seem to work. I kid you not, a very distant acquaintance asked me Wednesday night how I got the word “shit” through the RSS feed. I don’t think he liked it, but there you go. It worked. He read my post about nothing. And who am I to defy the logic of “bad language” as a blog accelerant?

  • American Express to customers: Forget do-not-call; we’ll call you anytime we like

  • Alex Neihaus 5:15 pm on February 21, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: amercian express, consumer rights, do not call

    American Express tells customers to forget about the do-not-all lists

    When you get a credit card statement, do you ever read all the legalese on the back of the pages with the I-owe-a-fortune-amounts? I’ll bet many people don’t, despite the imploring of many consumer advocates.

    Consumer Reports, in particular, practically harangues readers to be aware of the ability of credit card companies to change terms and conditions as they wish.

    So, when I got a 12-page statement from American Express this month full of amendments to the credit card agreement, I decided to give it a read. One thing stuck out, in a section entitled “Telephone Communications.” Check out what I am agreeing to should I use the card after April 2, 2009 (all emphasis is mine):

    You authorize us to call or send a text message to you at any number you give us or from which you call us, including mobile phones. You authorize us to make such calls using automatic telephone dialing systems for … offers of American Express products and services... You agree to pay any fees or charges you incur for incoming calls or text messages from us without reimbursement.

    You can read the whole section in the PDF attached to this post. As I read it, American Express is saying:

    • The heck with Federal and state do-not-call lists. If you call them for any reason — say you are checking a charge — they get to call you back at that number for anything they like, including marketing purposes
    • If you make the mistake of calling them from your cell phone, you can expect them to call you back on the cell phone whenever they like. And you pay for the airtime. I know people have lots of minutes, but do you like burning them up while listening to a pitch for American Express’s latest high-cost credit product?

    It’s pretty interesting how American Express has slipped the marketing permissions — a sort of default re-opt-in for people who have explicitly opted out — into the middle of a section ostensibly about security and account protection. While I don’t think anyone would object to getting a call about potential fraud, I, for one do not want American Express to feel free to call me on any number their ANI system sees me calling from. It’s bad enough that they use ANI to identify me when I call from home. (Did you realize that even if you have the phone company block outgoing Caller-ID for all your calls, an 800 number you dial still gets the number? After all, they’re paying for the call.)

    What bothers me most about this is this is precisely the kind of thing that makes people really resent big companies. American Express wants to become a bank — get its piece of TARP. Then it wants to use loopholes to get around telemarking regulations and privacy opt-outs. Otherwise, how will they sell us checking accounts and CD’s?

    No wonder there’s distrust of businesses…when you get your attorneys to slip something like this into an agreement, using “business logic” to rationalize it, you only put customers on the other side of a bright line…one they will pressure politicians to ensure business cannot cross.

    icon for podpress  American Express wants to ignore federal and state do-not-call regulations: Download (117)
     
  • Are you feeling like you’ve been screwed, but can’t quite figure out how?

  • Alex Neihaus 11:09 am on January 22, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply

    insurance-companies-demonstrate-greed-once-again

    Maybe it’s your health care insurer manipulating your out-of-network health care claim reimbursements to increase their profits.

    Remember last fall when you signed up for the significantly more expensive plan that lets you choose a doctor out-of-network? You thought you were being smart.

    Instead, it turns out you’re being screwed. Your extra premiums are finding their way into the pockets of the same insurer who buys TV ads with happy, young, healthy mothers and fathers in the park playing Upsie with their cute, giggling babies. Not a care in the world, presumably, because they’re covered…but it’s really a picture of ignorant bliss because when that baby needs a specialist, that couple’ll have to sell the Chevy and walk to appointments to pay the doctor’s bill.

    Check out this report from the New York State Attorney General on how insurance companies are screwing their policyholders on out-of-network reimbursements. It’ll make you sick (just be damn sure you don’t go out-of-network to see a doctor).

    For me, this is just another example of the unrestricted greed that nearly 30 years of Reaganism (”government is bad…unrestricted markets are good”) has generated and the incalculable damage it has done to our society. If a business can figure out a way to screw you — and better yet, legally do it in the dark like United Healthcare did with the cost database it uses to reimburse policyholders — well, that’s just normal, right?

    Everywhere you look, we’ve been  cheated. Big Business is totally out-of-control. The financial system has collapsed — and taken our security with it. Even our ideals were trashed mercilessly by a government that lied to us all.

    But, oh boy, watch out. This country has had mega-pendulum-political-swings in the past (the Progressive Era, the New Deal). If there are more people out there who think like me (and you bet there are), politicians had better get the message and get some stuff done (health care, re-regulation of the business and financial worlds, a sane foreign policy). And they better get it done now.

     
  • A whale of a demagogue

  • Alex Neihaus 2:05 pm on December 30, 2008 | 2 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: environmentalism, paul watson, whale wars

    whale_wars

    I was channel surfing recently (no mean feat on a Verizon FIOS system), and paused briefly on Animal Planet’s Whale Wars. I was instantly riveted…but not because of what the show is ostensibly about.

    Briefly, it’s a cinema verité recounting of the struggle between environmental radicals and the Japanese whaling fleet in the Southern Ocean. The self-styled “sea shepherds” aren’t letter-writing activists. They’re true amateur anarchists who favor “direct action,” placing themselves in danger to save whales from the Japanese whom they believe are illegally killing whales.

    For their part, the Japanese are clearly hiding behind a combination of doubleplusgood international agreements (which allow a limited catch of whales for “research”) and lax enforcement of environmental policies by other governments. At $1M per whale and a permitted catch in the thousands, this is a big business and the research claim is patently bogus.

    It makes for a great plot for a reality show. But while all the critical reviews of the show have focused on the action, the question of who’s right and who’s wrong in this struggle (the producers clearly favor the environmentalists) is less gripping for me than watching a cult leader in action.

    The real centerpiece of the show is Captain Paul Watson (always referred to as “Captain”). This is a man who has pissed off his home country of Canada and lead them to criticize him individually like nobody I’ve ever seen (here and here). Imagine a national government calling you out like this! He co-founded Greenpeace (something he writes extensively about with apparent pride), yet was drummed out for being, apparently, uncontrollable.

    But the real drama in Whale Wars — and something I think was unintentionally documented in the video — is how Watson creates, develops and promotes his cult of direct action. In short, we’re watching a Jim Jones or maybe a Hitler at work.

    Watson clearly uses people as grist for his “mission.” A cook damages a propeller on the helicopter. Watson then publicly asks him to illegally board one of the Japanese vessels to “make up for the helicopter.” After 36 hours being held as a prisoner on the Japanese boat, the cook is returned to the welcome of the entire crew. The camera catches Watson at the moment the cook is back on board saying that he won’t go down on deck to welcome the cook back…instead one of the staff “priests” Watson has on board should bring the poor Aussie up to see him on the bridge. Upon being lead to see Watson, the cook is immediately placed on sat phone with the media in order to extract maximum press value from the incident. Not once do we hear Watson commend the cook for his foolish bravery.

    To up the ante, later Watson proposes an all-female team to board a Japanese vessel. This goes awry, and in the process one woman shatters her pelvis. Ladies, how’d you like to have a shattered pelvis on a boat in Antarctica weeks from port with your only company being zealots on a mission? Not once do we see Watson demonstrating any concern for the woman. Only for the “mission.” We do, however, see him pissed off at the amateurs’ ineptness in carrying out his plans.

    Watson, in true cult style, is also isolated from the volunteer crew — the raw meat — by a layer of officers on the boat who transmit both his orders and his message. They reveal themselves to be sycophants of the worst type, and when the original doctor on board raises questions about the dangers of boarding parties, he is quickly purged for a more pliant medic.

    Are you fascinated yet? I am telling you, this TV show isn’t about whales. It’s Introduction to the Psychology of Cults 101. It demonstrates how in the crucible of a complex environmental issue a charismatic leader can, using classic techniques of isolation (what’s more isolated than a boat at sea for three months?) shape, implore, shame and motivate people into doing his bidding. Chat ‘em up, get ‘em to do what you want, no matter how dangerous, call the press, dock the boat, send ‘em home and do it again next year.

    For me, the proof of all this is on the Sea Shepherd website. I noticed that on the show every time Watson was shown in his cabin, he was on a computer. After reading the website, I am convinced that he’s writing and posting much of the news on the site himself. And the site is really a paean to Watson, penned by Watson, who always refers to himself in the third person.

    I am reading Ian Kershaw’s massive Hitler: A Biography, in which Kershaw documents exactly how Hitler — unable to have normal relationships with anyone save his mother — uses people in the most expedient, opportunistic way possible to achieve his ideological objectives. And, on a much smaller scale (but maybe just as dangerously?), that’s how Watson uses the people on his boat.

    I’ve never seen a more fascinating television show…it isn’t about whales at all. It’s about a whale of a demagogue.

     
    • W.Jackson 2:41 pm on May 30, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      The beauty of Whale Wars is it allows donors to actually see what they’ve been supporting. For years the only measure of the Sea Shepherds were their press releases and propaganda…now we see Paul Watson and his organization for what they really are…social misfit who convince others to fund their lifestyle. The Japanese whaling industry couldn’t have cast and written a better series to make THEM look good.

    • Alex Neihaus 3:32 pm on May 30, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks for commenting. I have to say that I am less interested in the politics of the whaling dispute than I am in the manipulation and apparently cynical exploitation of the volunteers on the “Steve Irwin.”

      In the US — as a lead-up to the launch of a new series next week — Animal Planet has been re-running the last season. I’ve been scanning these…and I wouldn’t change a word of my original post about Watson, the Sea Shepherds and “Whale Wars.”