Finally — finally — after exhausting me, after calling me and telling me I had other devices on my router network (no kidding; we have computers and mobile devices, just like everyone else), someone deep in the bowels of FiOS checked the check box and enabled access.

Now, I wonder why I bothered. FiOS’s websites and apps have been designed by the same people who think IRS forms are art: “Hey, how about that 2010 revision to the W-9! Let’s use that for the website. And geesh…did you see that new GSA schedule for applying to be a vendor of paper clips? Wow…what a beaut. Let’s use that for our iPad app.”

I kid you not…FiOS websites and apps are the worst designs I have ever seen. irs.gov itself is an island of organization and consistency compared to this mess.

Love government forms? verizon.com is for you.

Let’s take a little tour. Click on the “FiOS TV Central” screenshot nearby. Wanna login? Sure, the login link is right where it ought to be. But where are userid and password fields? Halfway down the page. Below the fold (even on a WXGA-res screen) On the left. Verizon is so desperate to upsell you to an on-demand movie that they can’t even wait until you login to stuff the page full of ads for content.

How To Make People Hate The iPad

Now, check out this screenshot from an iPad running “FiOS Mobile.” I’ve titled the screen shot “how to make people hate the iPad because after about three minutes of this thing, that’s what many people will end up feeling. First, it takes forever for the app to connect. Switching away makes you have to re-connect. If all you want to do is use the iPad to control the DVR, you have to first bring up a DVR listing, and then — if you are lucky — you get this truncated picture of a FiOS remote. Punch a button, say pause, so you can grab a snack or make a pit stop, and wait for 30 seconds before you get the action.

The Worst Android UI Ever Designed

But nothing — and I mean nothing — equals the depths of poor design demonstrated by the Android FiOS Mobile app. Take a look at this screenshot. See the similarity between the iOS app and the Android app? No, try closing your left eye, standing on your right foot only and squinting into the sun. There, see it now? Still no? Well, you and I must be the only ones because Verizon thinks it’s the Android equivalent of the iOS app.

You know, it’s one thing to not care about mobility for cable subscribers. But it’s another to be so completely lame — and to be so completely oblivious to it. Back in the day, I was a systems engineer for IBM on the NYNEX account. This was one of the predecessors to Verizon. I was responsible for application and database design using IBM technologies at that time — and I encountered what used to be called “Bell-shaped heads” in their application development. Having a Bell-shaped head meant you did things the phone-company way — you know, “We’re a monopoly and we couldn’t care less about usability.”

You’d think that after all this time, Verizon would have lost that myopic view of applications — but it looks like time has not healed those misshapen heads.

What really mystified me about the problem I am about to describe is the total lack of Google search results that describe this specific problem and potential solutions. There’s nary a hint of what I found, despite months of searching. My experience is that there’s always another heat-seeker out there who’s suffering the same issues I am and that guy has posted about it somewhere. This is the first time in years I wasn’t able to find a discussion or posting about my problem. Hopefully, Google will index this post for the rest of the world who seeks to use T-Mobile’s Android WiFi calling app with a Verizon FiOS Internet connection through Actiontec routers.

Last November, I upgraded the family to T-Mobile G2 smartphones. T-Mobile offers a WiFi calling app on these phones, I suppose as a tacit admission of their network’s failings. Our previous BlackBerrys had UMA calling which differs from the Android app only in the fact that UMA was supposed to automatically transfer calls from the cellular network to a WiFi hotspot. (It never worked.)

We have a Verizon FiOS 35Mbps symmetrical Internet connection. You’d imagine that would be fast enough for T-Mobile WiFi calling. But from the moment I tried to use WiFi calling on the G2 last fall, the sound quality was terrible, voice was choppy and calls would drop after a few seconds. It didn’t work well in other WiFi hotspots either.

Recently, I noticed that WiFi calling started working in public hotspots like those at McDonald’s. That made me wonder if T-Mobile had done something to their network in this area. So, I turned on the WiFi calling app on the FiOS connection and bam something different happened. Instead of connecting and not working, the app now returned a specific error: W006.15 ISP or T-Mobile network error. Now, instead of not working well, the WiFi calling app wouldn’t connect at all.

I actually welcomed this. The app was so useless and unreliable before and T-Mobile’s support was so lame, I was happy to have a hard error. At least that would give me plenty of Google searching to find the problem. But once again the searches were unsatisfying. Finally, I decided it had to be an issue with the Actiontec. I researched ports for UMA and VoIP and tried opening them on the Actiontec. No joy.

Then today, I came across this Wikipedia article on SIP ALG. Funny how a problem that persisted for months melted away in seconds when I finally found the right path. I dug into the advanced settings of the Actiontec and discovered its SIP ALG is disabled by default. Enabling it and restarting the router has resulted in crystal-clear WiFi calling on my T-Mobile G2 over Verizon FiOS. All this effort wouldn’t have been necessary had T-Mobile documented what the app requires. They ship the damn thing on the phone — they should at least post its technical and system requirements somewhere.

Here’s how to do it.

First, log into your Actiontec router. Then select the Advanced icon at the top and acknowledge the warning message. You should end up at a page similar to this one (click on the image to enlarge).

Then click on the SIP ALG link, highlighted in this screen shot.

Then, simply enable the SIP application-level gateway, as below. Reboot the router and enjoy WiFi calling from your T-Mobile Android phone over FiOS.

You know all those commercials Verizon is running with a young boy talking about “30db hot” and in which, in open-mouth wonderment, he seems to be awash in light? Well, fudgedaboutit, at least when it comes to multiple HD video on demand streams and high-speed Internet.

Not many people realize that FiOS uses a hybrid system for video. It uses both QAM (what we think of as “normal” cable) for much of its programming. But for VOD, it’s IPTV. IPTV data streams are delivered via the Actiontec routers that Verizon requires customers to use because these routers have a network interface module, or NIM, that bridges IEEE 802.3 Ethernet as we know it to the set-top boxes. The set-top boxes are connected by coax cable, of course, and a standard called MoCA (multimedia over COAX) enables them to receive IPTV. It might surprise people to know that FiOS set-top boxes get an IP address from the router just like computers do. To try to make sure that the VOD video streams do not detract from subscribers’ Internet connections, the router implements QOS for the the IPTV video streams.

Complex? You bet. And it all worked great until VZ started offering HDTV VOD.

Tonight, for the first time, I had two HDTV streams going and it killed my Internet connection. I called VZ and the first thing the guy tried to make me do was factory-reset the router. When I objected, he told me that “hundreds of customers watch multiple HTDV VOD streams while getting full bandwidth from Internet connections.” Because I insisted, he agreed to consult with a video expert.

A few minutes later, he came back on the line and admitted that FiOS can’t support more than one simultaneous HDTV video on demand stream. He didn’t blame the router. Astonishingly, he blamed the ATM switches in the central office. (ATM is old, old, old, and I can’t believe VZ implemented it in FiOS…they can’t seem to help themselves. Billions to build a new network, but they’re still using protocols from the 70s in it.)

Bottom line: when you get FiOS you get fiber, all right. But you don’t get the ability to really use its capacity. In fact, it’s easy to overwhelm it.